You know that moment when you realize life is changing and there’s nothing you can do about it? And that the only option you have is to buckle up and hang on? That moment is fear-invoking, exhilarating, terrifying and exciting all in one, at the same time even. It can also be tragic or traumatizing.
I’ve found in life you choose which or how many of those emotions you let wash over you, and then bathe in.
My personality is to see the hard or bad side of things. Certain life experiences have also left me terrified of change, and even if my life to that point had little to nothing worth holding onto, I mourn it as if a part of my soul died. As I grow tho, and as I experience how my God and my Savior are what sustains me, I think that is slowly changing too. (Huh, fight change WITH change?)
These last 19 weeks have been a combination of all those emotions. All of a sudden what I do, what I eat, what I think, how I feel doesn’t just affect me. Or me and Ryan. There is a little human being, innocent on all counts, counting on me. That is overwhelming. The responsibility is so incredible, and before even seeing my little ones face, I’ve already failed so many times at being a mother.
I find that the thought of being “Mommy” to someone is one of those things that invokes fear, joy, trauma, and a fullness in my heart I don’t know how to understand, all at the same time. For a little while, I will be what helps shape this little human into a godly, loving, happy person that will someday love someone else, serve others and either be a light or a darkness in their corner of the world. What. a. responsibility. I will either teach them how to have a bad attitude, see life as a foe always out to get them, or how to have joy even in the midst of hardship and how to see all the blessings God pours all around us.
So just like everyday is a new day that God, the Creator of each of us, has made, every moment is a new moment to do the right thing, to think the right way, to hope instead of despair. I hope to learn how to model that so this child can learn it too. I’m a broken, work-in-progress, so God give us lots and lots of grace!
My prayer for you right now is that no matter the situation you’re in, you can find beauty in the midst of it. Look past the hurt, the fear, the feelings of doubt and anguish, and see that God has a purpose and a plan, and His hands are able to make the ugliest thing lovely. This life, so small compared to our eternity of peace and joy ahead, is a stepping stone to turning us into the people we are meant to be. Hang in there with me friend, and smile! 🙂
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them;
for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.
He will not leave you nor forsake you.