It’s ten o’clock at night. Normally you’re crashed on the couch with hubby, watching your favorite Netflix show, procrastinating going to bed even though you both have work in the morning. After all it’s only Tuesday and the week looks long and busy ahead.
But you’re not.
You’re looking at a positive pregnancy test.
A billion thoughts fill your mind. A trillion emotions.
What’s going to happen to my body? What about my job? Will this weird feeling in my stomach get worse? Am I going to gain a ton of weight? What will he say? We didn’t want kids yet. What if I can’t carry the baby and it dies? I’m not selfless enough to be a mother, just like my mother said.
And on and on your mind spins. Somehow the gravity of the situation feels like it will crush you.
What to do when you have a positive pregnancy test
Breathe.
It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be afraid and not know what to do.
And then, remember. Remember that, no matter what your situation, that baby growing in you is loved by God, just like you are.
For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wondrously made.
Your works are wondrous,
My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.
Psalm 139:13-16 CSB
God knows each of your days. He knew this baby was going to be growing in you, needing you right now. And somehow, even if you have no idea how, everything is going to be ok.
Tell your hubby. Tell him your fears. Talk about everything – if you had name ideas from the past you’d like to consider, baby items you definitely want, if you think it’s a girl or a boy (I knew weeks ahead of time with both of mine), who’s nose you think he/she will have.
Make this a joyous time of bonding. You have the first addition of your family to cherish.
What NOT to do when you have a positive pregnancy test
Do NOT consider harming yourself or the baby.
Because the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do what is evil.
1 Peter 3:12 CSB
Harming yourself or your baby, as you BOTH are made in the image of God, is evil.
It’s ok to need support and encouragement as you come to an understanding of your changing body and life.
You’re a mama now, and it looks good on you. No matter how you feel in this moment.
My Positive Pregnancy Test
I was late. By like 5-6 days. I kept putting the test off, but talking to Hubby about it, convinced I was and not happy about it.
I had spent the last 3 years detoxing and trying to heal my body from severe pesticide poisoning and organ damage/malfunction from it. Months prior we talked about a baby, and I brought it up with our doctor.
At that point, I was trying to detox a very high amount of mercury. With the herbal and nutriceutical supplements I was faithfully taking, it was moving, but still pretty high. He very pointedly warned me about the idea of trying. Often when a mama has a toxin overload, her body sees the baby’s body as a place to ‘store’ the toxins in order to protect her. Usually those babies end up very sick or in a miscarriage or stillbirth.
I couldn’t fathom that idea. It had been months, probably 9+ since that moment with our doctor. But the fear was there, and the guilt of my sick body hurting this innocent life was overwhelming.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
But there were also selfish reasons.
I had just started working for our doctor, and minus some office drama going on around me, I loved working for him.
And I had it all perfectly planned. In 1 year, if we were faithful putting all of my check towards debt we would be credit card debt-free. I still remember sitting on our bed late one night, doing the numbers in my head and on my phone calculator, and excitedly telling Hubby all about it.
God was working everything out.
But, even though I desperately wanted them to be, my plans were not God’s plans.
What My Positive Pregnancy Test Did to Our Lives
My check could no longer go towards debt.
Instead, once we researched all the options and decided the safest place for me and our baby was going to be at home, every penny of my check went towards paying our Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM).
But Mama, it was so worth it.
And God DID provide. He provided that job at the perfect time so that instead of putting more on debt, we would have the exact amount we needed to pay our midwife before I left it to have our baby.
After we saw those two strong lines on our positive pregnancy test, everything changed.
My entire world-view changed. It wasn’t just me anymore. I was never alone now. There would always be this other tiny person who needed me. And that made me stronger.
Your positive pregnancy test will make you stronger too, Mama.
We are almost 4 years past seeing ours. These last 4 years have been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I had breastfeeding issues (that I wrote about here and here so that you don’t have to go through it too!) and Postpartum Depression pretty severely (send this article about it to your hubby).
But, on this side of my two positive pregnancy tests, I can tell you boldly – I am SO GLAD that my plans were not God’s plans. I have seen Him work and move in ways I never would have if I had gotten my way.
I can’t imagine my life without the contagious joy and crazy energy of our son. And I can’t imagine life without the beautiful smile and feisty, spunky, sweetness of our daughter.
Positives and Negatives
Our debt-free dreams were pushed off about 3 years.
It was worth it, and it gave us real motivation to do it.
Our lives became about the needs of another tiny human.
But that’s ok. And it grew us in ways staying ‘just us’ could never have.
Being a mama was giving up my control.
I had no control over whether my body could safely care for my babies. There was no control over how my labors would go, or if heartbreak would be my constant companion.
This was where I had to trust that God was bigger. He could take care of all of it, or He could take care of my heart through it.
So, dear mama with a positive pregnancy test…
No matter how it feels, this is a good thing. A baby is always a good thing.
You NEED to:
- take care of yourself, be kind to yourself
- take time to process everything
- make a list of people in your life who will be happy for you and let them know first (DO NOT feel guilty if it’s not family if family will not be happy for you or will pressure you to do something to harm the baby)
- write out and talk about all the good things about your baby’s life
- daily remind yourself that you are a fierce Mama and God handpicked you especially for this little one
Even in your most inadequate moments, you are exactly who this baby needs. And if you have trusted in Jesus as your Savior, you never have to go at this alone. You can do (and endure) ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength.
So Mama, you ARE cut out for this. You can do it. Every bit of it.
And I promise you, it’s so, so worth it.
Hugs & solidarity from one Mama to another,
Tiffany
