Dear Wife of the Broken Man,
You have also been weighing heavily on my heart.
So, just like I talked to your broken, unfaithful man and the unprincipled woman he’s with, I want to tell you a few things.
First off, I am so sorry this is part of your story.
My heart hurts for you and I can only imagine the depth of pain that is ever-present now. If you have children, I know your burden is even greater. Trying to determine who is old enough to know what, how to tell them, how to do the right thing amidst all this wrong only adds more heartache.
It’s ok to grieve. Something that was yours alone was taken away without your consent.
Secondly, don’t let this define you. I know that’s something for me to say. I have never been betrayed by the man who promised me forever.
But I have been betrayed. They were close. They were the only ones I was convinced loved me, the only people in the world who knew me, and in a moments notice it was gone. I know what it is to let something negative, something horrible, define me.
So, dear wife of the broken man, please know:
- You are more than a woman who was cheated on.
- You are more than the wife of the broken man.
- Your worth does not depend on what someone in your life does.
God loves you. You, in all your imperfection. He loved you when your life looked perfect, and He loves you when it doesn’t. He did not want this to happen to you, but He can bring good out of it.
The Wife of the Broken Man in my life
Years ago, I sat on the steps of the front porch of our first house. It was a hot day, late afternoon.
There was a huge knot in the pit of my stomach and I fretted, moving around a lot.
The gravity of the situation was enormous. As I listened to my friend talk through the phone, I saw two different futures, two different outcomes for so many innocently involved.
I fought to keep the anger from my voice, and prayed silently for wisdom and words.
I want to tell you what I told my friend that day:
What your husband is doing is wrong. There’s no excuse for it.
You have every right in the world to be angry, to feel betrayed, to keep him at arms length.
Things you’ve done may have contributed to negativity in your marriage, HOWEVER they can never carry the blame for the unfaithful actions of your husband.
We are going to pray. God is bigger than this.
God is bigger than the weight of the sin that is drowning your husband.
If you will hold your heart for him, and wait on God, He can turn this around. He can convict your husband of his sin, pull him out of the filth he’s in and give him a repentant heart.
Who knows how many will see your testimony of faithfulness and commitment, even to someone this broken, and in turn be saved. Who knows how many will see your situation, watch how mightily God moves, and their marriages also be saved.
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Genesis 50:20 NIV
What was meant for evil, God can use for good.
Wife of the Broken Man…
When your husband repents, you should expect from him:
- transparency – no secrets, no unknown passwords to computers or phones, no unaccounted for time away from home or work
- accountability – he should freely tell you anything you need to know, & be in counseling with a Christian man faithful to his own wife
- understanding – what I did was wrong and it hurt you severely
- hard work – to repair the severed trust and broken relationship
- acceptance – before any physical relationship resumes, there will be STD tests
You should NOT expect:
- the pain to go away immediately
- to hold a ransom over his head of unforgiveness
- to bring it up all the time as a reminder of his sin
This is NOT going to be something you just ‘get over’. Trust has to be rebuilt, brick by brick.
But it is something God can heal.
It can be done with the strength God provides through His son Jesus Christ.
Putting It Into Perspective
Remember that Christ died for your sins.
He also died for your husband’s.
He promised to remember each one of those sins no more, once we repent from them. How can we remember the sins against us, when God can cast away and remember no more the many that we have against Him?
Then he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.”
Hebrews 10:17 NIV
Bitterness is something that grows quickly and heartily in the fertile soil of unforgiveness. God has strong words to say about it.
Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and defiling many.
Hebrews 12:15 CSB
Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.
Ephesians 4:31-32 CSB
Bringing up the ‘D’ word
Dear Wife of the Broken Man, I don’t expect you not to give up on your marriage.
In fact, the only real permission in the Bible for divorce is after the sin of adultery.
However, I implore you not to give up on your marriage.
This night, this darkness you’re in is a darkness like no other, yes. But joy comes in the morning and I stand in complete awe of how faithful God is to His word. He WILL bring good out of this situation. And He WILL help you through it.
I want you to know, God was faithful to my friend. He helped her, and her children, through that terrible time and He answered our fervent prayers. If there was ever a time we could 100% know the will of God and pray believing for what we ask, now is the time. God created marriage between one man and one woman and He hates divorce.
But if it does come to divorce – if your husband is unrepentant, refuses to acknowledge his sin, and do his part in fixing your marriage, then you can be sure that God will help you through it also. You can also be sure that justice will be done someday for the breaking of your marriage.
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4 NIV
So on that note, I stand with you, believing for a miraculous healing for your marriage.
Hugs, and many, many prayers,
Tiffany
Thanks Tiffany, got your hugs and amen. May the will of God be done.
oh how I’m crying and crying. This is a pain no wife should ever go through. Lord I pray for all the broken wives and pray you heal both us and our kids one day. Lord please let me know if I’m crazy to keep praying for marriage restoration one day. That my kids dad remembers our 14 years of marriage meant something. Lord hear my prayers.
I’m so sorry, Jessica. I wish there was something I could say or do that would remove this grief from your life. God desires that marriages be restored and become a godly example of Christ’s relationship to the church (Ephesians 5:22-32). You are NOT wrong in praying for restoration! I am praying with you, dear wife and mama. <3 Do you have a church family?
Tiffany,
My husband left me 6 months ago after a blow up. He started having an affair with a co worker he was close to. He still cannot decide if he wants me or her! I know.. sounds crazy but I’m still holding out and praying constantly. I have forgiven him and asked him to come home but he is in love with her. I’m about to give up. The pain is unbearable..any suggestions?
Oh, Jackie, I’m so sorry! I have never been in your shoes, so I can only say that I totally understand how heart-breaking your situation would be. Do you have children? Does he claim to be saved?
I am actively praying for you AND your husband. There is hope as long as we are breathing. God is bigger than any problem we could ever have. He promised to never leave us or forsake us.
I would suggest several things: dig into your Bible. Go through the Psalms, read them aloud and use them as prayers to God when they fit what you’re going through. I did that with many tears as my husband drove us to my father’s funeral last year. It was literally the only thing that got me through it.
Do you have a church family? If not, I highly, highly recommend finding one that unashamedly preaches the Gospel. Pray about it! God will lead you to the right church. Make sure you pray for one that uses Scripture as it’s authority but doesn’t add to it with legalistic or ritualistic requirements (i.e. hymns are the only Godly music, pews are the only seats we should sit in, or that our works are a ‘helper’ to get us to heaven, etc.) A church family can come up beside you and support you and your family in many more ways than one. I’m praying and believing that God will restore your marriage and heart, dear Jackie! *huge hugs*
Hello Tiffany,
First off I want to say may God continue to Bless you! Thank you for this! I am the wife. This year will be 16 years of being together and 12 of marriage. My husband has left me and our children for another woman and her 2 children. He is not the same man that I met. I’ve read all 3 of your letters his, mine, and hers. So many things that you wrote about I have wanted to say. But why? They won’t listen or read it. It’s like he wants to take our kids and build a new family with her and forget about me. Forget that I ever existed. It’s hard so hard!! Thank you for your kind words. I have faith in our Savior.
Dear Celinet,
When I wrote these letters, I was painfully aware that they would reach real people going through these terrible, terrible things. Your situation breaks my heart, and I am so sorry you’re going through it. I wish I could give you a huge hug and cry with you.
I also have faith in our Savior, Mama. He has reached the hardest, darkest of hearts and your husband’s is not beyond Him. He promised where two or more are gathered together, He is there! So we will pray united, believing He can and WILL call Your husband to repentance and salvation, and restore your marriage. Ok?
Pray for God to change both of you for the better and work on you while He works on him, ok? Feel free to message me privately so I can pray accordingly and when God works, share it here so we can rejoice with you. <3
Sending you huge hugs and lots of love, dear Mama. <3 Hang in there, God has not left you!
I like your post but when the husband is lost is alcohol and porn and your children are grown the only thing left is death. There is nothing left to hold on to when you are blamed by everyone for his problems.
Dear Rhonda, I’ve thought for a while about what to say to you. I can feel the hurt in your life and I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you to your face how loved you are. I’m so sorry for the hurt, whether you were part of the cause or not. There’s hope, Mama. As long as you’re breathing there is hope. Jesus knew where you would be in this moment and just like He wept for those He saw suffering during His time on this sin-cursed earth, I know He hurts for you and your situation. Have you understood what He did on the cross? Have you accepted it?
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NIV
Jesus is our hope. When we have nothing left in this world He promised that there was NO WAY Satan could ever remove us from God’s hand. Once we have trusted Christ for our salvation, nothing can ever remove it.
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:38 CSB
I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all. No one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. – John 10:28-29
Salvation doesn’t immediately solve the trouble we have in this world, but it gives us a peace because we know the end of the story. This life is so short compared to the eternity ahead of complete joy and peace we can look forward to once we know Jesus.
That doesn’t mean God won’t do a miraculous work in your life and family. Pray, Mama. Commit to praying constantly for your husband and family. Get into a Bible and memorize Scripture. When the hopelessness pops up again and threatens to overtake you, God will bring to your mind the Scripture you planted in your heart. That’s why He tells us to do that!
I’m praying for you, and believing with you for a miraculous healing in your life, Rhonda. *Sending you much love and many hugs*
I’m glad your friends story ended with a godly outcome. God truly desires restoration when a marriage is broken. For those of us who had a different outcome, God still wants to heal and restore the brokenness that results from divorce. Cheks from thismamaandherkids
I totally agree, Cheks. <3
What a great way to tackle a challenging topic that happens too often within the body of believers.
Thanks, Mamie! It’s definitely something that hurts the body and is something we need to encourage each other about!
I pray this message encourages, uplifts, comforts many of our sisters out there. That they will not be defined by this brokenness, and remember that healing will take time.
Loved by our eternal Father in the messes
Amen, Diana. I love how loved we are in the messes. <3
Lots of great encouragement and advice, here! I hope that your words reach those in despair over their marriage.
Thank you, Laura! <3