I have struggled with depression in the past. It’s been one of the biggest battles of my life. Even tho for the most part, it was something in my past, this pregnancy has been bringing back a lot of the old familiar feelings. Weepiness turns into despair and the darkness grows bigger. And I don’t even know why. Hormones do play a huge part, but I have a feeling they aren’t the only issue.
We’ve talked about needing to simplify. I know once we can finally do that, it will help. Stop taking on new responsibilities at church or home, and work, if possible. Stop committing our only day a week to other projects. Stop stressing about all the housework that no matter what I do or how hard I work, still piles up. All those things weigh on my already hormone-ravaged mind.
I was having an especially hard morning today. Woke up late, and just as achy and tired as when I went to bed. Came downstairs and tried starting on the housework. We just laid new flooring in our dining, living and hall. The office (which is also Cody’s ‘den’) still doesn’t have a threshold holding the carpet down which would make the new flooring flush with the old. I was vacuuming. There was fur all over the raw carpet edges. Let’s just say it didn’t end well having an obsessive desire to suck up every bit of fur so it stops looking like a Saskatchewan lives here. The vacuum which I mistakenly thought was plenty far away, snatched up a carpet edge and ran into the office with it. Huge strip of carpet gone. And the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.
What a mess. I poured out my heart of inadequacy to my husband in an email I wrote through tears and tissues. My dear husband, who was at work, took a minute to try to pull me together.
God put us here on this earth. He put us together. And now he’s adding a little boy. We have a limited time here. There’s absolutely no point in worrying about a house that’s not clean, or a rug that got snagged, or milk that got spilled. Being upset about it doesn’t do anything but waste time, and time is precious. Time spent together. Time spent relaxing. Time spent being thankful to God for everything that He’s provided with us, and time spent watching our little boy grow, first in you, then out here! Look at all the things that are wonderful! And kick all that other crap to the curb. Live life, and love it!
You know what a letter like that does to a pregnant, emotionally compromised woman? You guessed it. It makes her cry more.
He told me to go play some peaceful music, sit out in the living room, pray and meditate on all the things God has done for us. Something pulled at my heart to do just that. Normally I can’t sit still. If I do, I end up so stressed at the ‘time I wasted’ that could’ve been spent doing laundry, cleaning the floors or bathroom or kitchen, baking or making supper, or something. Anything. Sitting down is almost a sin.
But in that time God gave me some peace. I sat on my exercise ball and cried to Him, and I talked to Him about how I was feeling, about the craziness swirling around me, and He brought to mind all of the precious, good things – my husband, who works so hard at work, then comes home to work hard and often has to encourage and pick me up in the midst of it. Our child growing inside of me. Yeah, pregnancy is hard, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it’s beautiful too. Our old, messy, dusty, cluttered home that has so much potential and is finally coming to the finish line so I can clean and organize it. My in-laws who have poured a TON of time, work and devotion into helping my hubby with the house. None of it has happened at all like I planned it and wanted it. But it has been happening still and I have so very much to be thankful for.
Do you feel like your world is cracking into a million pieces and you’re left floating erratically on what is left? Remember, no matter how absurd, hard, inadequate your life feels right now, God is in control. You may feel out of control, and truly BE out of control, but God isn’t. There is nothing, nothing in this life that He can’t handle.
Psalm 56:3, 4
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.
In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust;
I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?